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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.